Page Header
return to now 2010 updates 2010 hits 2010 standings main archives
  The Archives for 2009  
  The Deadheads of 2010  

Bill: Welcome to the 6th Annual Alt.Obituaries Deadpool Awards Ceremony, also known as the Moxies. Last year I wore a tux because Amelia told me it was an awards show and I was to dress accordingly. Then I found out — it was a joke — and not necessarily a haha/funny joke; rather, it was a moment for Amelia to publicly humiliate me. Well, not this year, kids. This year I won't be made the fool for the Moxies. This year ... I'm in my underwear. And not new underwear, either — five-year-old Turnbull & Asser boxers from Harrods. Faded. Button missing. Elastic waistband stretched well beyond safe-mode.

Without further comment, let me introduce the lovely Amelia, who also is not dressed up for the Moxies. She's wearing some of those hoity-toity Upper East Side New York Korean pajamas, whatever those things are called.

Amelia: Thank you, Bill. I am not wearing Korean pajamas. Tonight, I'm wearing a Walt Frazier with a Pabelbon necklace. I do look lovely. Of course, I have to return them both. It's really wonderful dressing up for this occasion, because I had such an exciting year administering the AO Deadpool. (Is that in the least bit believable?) The truth is, I spent a lot of time traveling this year and there were people who worked very hard to make sure it didn't look like I was shirking my duties, even though I was. Brad and Bill were amazing, especially Brad who has created a website we can all be proud of. And Bill wrote some of the funniest updates he's ever written. It's worth re-reading them. Nothing like getting out of the Snow Belt, eh, Bill? Ok, enough about me and Bill and Brad. This deadpool is about all of you guys. Nearly 70 players, many new faces, many old ones (really old ones), all did their part to send 111 people to the last resort. Let's give out some Moxies!

  Skull lLine  
  The Awards for 2010  
  The MOXIE Award  
Moxie Bottle

GOLD MEDAL: With 150 points, EdV wins for the third time in three years, but for the first time since the AO Deadpool began in 2005, the winner did not have the most hits. And he was pushed to the limit for this hard-fought win. Only five points separated the top three players in the 2010 game. So Ed will get the Moxie soda and a special surprise from up north, if he ever answers Mark's email.

SILVER MEDAL: Goes to CIB with a gut-wrenching 149 points, aided by tagging the youngest hit of the year, Sourabh Narang, who died at 37. Whoever the fuck he was.

BRONZE MEDAL: DDT, who won the SILVER last year, takes home another top-three performance. His 12 hits equaled EdV's 12 hits, but CIB's Sourabh Narang, whoever the fuck he was, pushed DDT back to the BRONZE.

Roxanne Wiggs, with a top-ten finish in her first ever sanctioned deadpool event, and her 90 points and ten hits (one solo and two duets) has earned her THE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD. With this award, you also get sex with one of the administrators. Well, this year, at least.

The much sought after LET'S FUCK WITH THE IMDb AWARD goes to Eternity Tours. Ten of his 11 hits have made an appearance on the IMDb. ET is like the Hollywood Anti-Christ.

THE COMPANY OF STRANGERS AWARD goes to Erik. It's kind of a Don't Ask, Don't Tell thing.

Erik got 129 points in 2009 but managed only 61 last year, so he takes home another: THE SPECTACULAR FALL FROM GRACE AWARD.

Every year there are a few gimmes. You know, a pick that was so flippin' obvious that Stevie Wonder, Helen Keller and Anne Frank all could have seen it coming [1]. This year's GIMME A FUCKING BREAK AWARD goes to Allen Kirshner, Amelia, Deceased Hose, Denise, Direcorbie, EdV, Eternity Tours, Fireball, Garrett, Jenstrikesagain, Kerschti, Mo, Philip, Roxanne Wiggs and Worm Farmer for picking Hollywood headcase Dennis Hopper.

And the very lovely, fist-pumpin' Denise strolls off with coveted HOW DID YOU FRICKIN' KNOW AWARD for slamming a solo with Corey Haim. Not that he didn't have it coming...

The LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT AWARD has been won by Chipmunk Roasting for her last-minute theft of Tony Proudfoot's soul. He wasn't scheduled to go for a few days. His family, his friends, his fans ... are all looking at you, Chipmunk Roasting.

Each year throngs of AO Deadpool players anxiously await the beloved BOOK-BURNING AWARD, normally handed out to the player or players who toe-tag the most authors/journalists/etc. This year the award goes to all those who scored points with the death of J.D. Salinger: Another Lurker, Busgal, Dead People Server, Moldy Oldies and Roxanne Wiggs. I'd like to thank all of you for ridding this world of that medium-talent fraud.

Team Bubba (George Steinbrenner), Pat Peeve (John Forsythe), Koko-Moxie (Elizabeth Edwards) and Kathypig1 (Lena Horne) all get to strut across the stage as they pick up the ONE-HIT WONDER AWARD for getting, you know, One Fucking Hit.

This year the DIM REAPER AWARD goes to Allezblancs, BaseballArt, Bushwhacker (who, when I asked him if he was playing again, said just play the same fucking list this year), Sarndra and DannyB, who actually got fewer hits than Team Bubba, Pat Peeve, Koko-Moxie and Kathypig1. That's right. Zero hits. Better luck in 2011.

The PHILIP AWARD. This goes to the player who had the most hits with no solos. EdV had 11 hits and no solos. Let that be a lesson to those of you who think the road to Moxie stardom is paved with the lonely dead.

As usual, the RIDICULOUSLY OBVIOUS DEATH AWARD goes to those of you who picked the most ridiculously obvious death, and this year it will be no different. The award goes to all who picked Elizabeth Edwards, a woman who had been gracefully bowing out for several years. Sadly, you just knew this would be the year. Chipmunk Roasting, Deceased Hose, Deepstblu, Denise, Direcorbie, EdV, Erik, Eternity Tours, King Daevid, Koko-Moxie, Mark, Morris the Cat, Ray Arthur and The Wiz all scored points off this very classy lady.

This year's PUBLIC SERVICE AWARD was a tough one. Do we give the award for finally nailing the coffin shut on such rotten bastards like Emilio Massera or Ali Hassan al-Majid? After all, these were a couple of really evil douche bags. No? Okay, let's give the award to Busgal this year for picking John Murtha.

Eternity Tours picks up his second Moxie of the night with the ANOTHER DEAD FUCKING MIDGET AWARD. ET had two of the three dead fucking midgets in the pool this year. He missed out on Gary Coleman, but tagged both Meinhardt Raabe and Zelda Rubinstein. Bickford, you miserable dwarf, be smart for once, don't invite ET over for lobster. Steamed or otherwise.

The NOT AN OUNCE OF DECENCY AWARD, with heavy heart, has been won by Abby and RH Draney for being the only two calloused enough to visit death upon such an integral part of the youth of so many of us, not only here at the AO Deadpool, but around the United States as well. He fought single-handed through the injun war, he went off to Congress to serve a spell and he patched up the crack in the Liberty Bell. Sons of bitc ... Well, I hope you two are proud of yourselves.

The PAINFULLY OBVIOUS SOLO AWARD will be given to Broadway Baby Tim J for June Havoc. Not only is Gypsy being performed everywhere in the world, every day, not only was she 96, she was in fucking Vaudeville. How many vaudevillians do you think are still kicking?

BEST UPDATES: We are extremely grateful for all the guest updates. So one award isn't enough. You all get one. Wendy, DDT, Doubletap, Deepstblu, Deceased Hose, Ed Varner, Matt Hubbard. In reading them over, special mention must be made to Bill's episodic Frances Reid, Jim Thornton's lovely Beefheart and Bainbridge poems, Marilyn's poetic Miep Gies, JD's puzzling Martin Gardner and vitriolic Mitch Miller, Hulka's Kupferberg and Weiss. Charlene for all those hard ones. And especially, especially, Brad's show business write-ups: Art Linkletter, Leslie Nielsen, Simon McCorkindale, Kevin McCarthy, Tony Curtis and so many more. Each and every one a beauty.

The JUST CAUGHT MY EYE AWARDS, which we said we wouldn't have last year, nevertheless goes to Eternity Tours and CIB for playing both sides of the fence. Eternity Tours got 11 hits for a lousy 42 points. CIB had only 8 hits but managed 149 points (counting the youngest-hit bonus).

OTHER THINGS WE LIKED BUT DON'T NECESSARILY DESERVE AWARDS BECAUSE WE CAN'T THINK OF ANYMORE [2]: Bill Schenley had 4 solos, one more than anyone else, but there were seven players who got 3. Trios are supposed to be hard, but Kixco got a trio of trios. Alan's duo of Robert Byrd and Leslie Nielsen. JTH's duo of Robert Byrd and Tony Curtis. Jazz Vulture's duo of Robert Byrd and Pat Burns. Born with the Defect's remarkable Frank Frazetta. Exuma's hits covering baseball, basketball, horseracing and Gumby (the fabulous Art Clokey solo). Moldy Oldies' solo of James Bacon, O'Wilners improving to 2 hits, Ray Arthur's Jimmy Dean. Garrett's usual obscure musicians, the fact that we have at least four sets of couples (married and otherwise) playing, you know who you are. If I've left you out, it's not because I don't love you. You're all marvelous. Feel free to reply, "But what about me??"

THINGS WE DON'T LIKE: Bushwhacker and ???Guest only have bad motherfuckers on their list. Ya know, despots, tyrants, baseball owners. Between them, they got two hits. What does it take to kill these guys? Sheesh.

THE THING WE LOVED: Our new website, lovingly tended and obsessed over by Brad Ferguson. We asked for a little help, and he made it a mission. Thanks ever so much. Makes all the difference in the world. GO TO IT OFTEN.

Bring on 2011. Thanks for all your support, all your understanding, all your praise and for learning the alphabet. Next year, you're learning what "no attachments" means. Even if it kills us.



[2] Note from Bill: I had a few more awards to hand out, but I was only allowed to use the word "fuck" so many times at this year's Moxies.

And a note from Amelia: I think it's obvious, but you should know that Bill wrote 90% of this. I'm extraordinarily grateful.

Page Footer