David Brown, who has died at 93, was a mogul. How often do you get to write that? He had many lives, of course, all of them charmed. He was a magazine mogul, a movie mogul, a publicity mogul, a theater mogul. He was even a squib mogul. After he had encouraged his wife to write Sex and the Single Girl, the success of which led to the editorship of Cosmopolitan, she enlisted him every month to write those seductive little coverlines. You know. Why Good Women Love Bad Men. How To Sit Back And Let Him Do All The Work. (Although I don't think he wrote Your Va-jay-jay, Fascinating Facts About Your Lady Parts -- I think he was probably on dialysis by then.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, David Brown was an amazing producer. He put the sun block in the blockbuster. He got Spielberg off to a great career. He hit a different kind of paydirt with Marilyn Monroe who, as legend has it, would sit on his lap for advice. He made playwrights rich and believe me, playwrights never expect to get rich. He lived on the top four floors of the Beresford on 81st and Central Park West (where Seinfeld lives). He said that the secret to his success was reading. (Makes sense to me.) Helen Gurley Brown suggested that it was his overtipping. (He only carried $20 bills.) Sounds like he was just a good man, and good men are hard to find.

Why Chipmunk Roasting Loves Good Men: Because they're good for 7 points. 2 for the hit and 5 for the solo.

— Amelia

Episode 1

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives."

Alice Grayson Horton, 98, of 545 Sycamore Street, Salem, has died. Mrs. Horton was the daughter of the late Sidney and Abigail Grayson. She had been a homemaker, having married Dr. Thomas Horton in 1930. When that marriage was proven invalid, she again married Dr. Horton in 1991.

She was preceded in death by her husband Thomas (1994); her daughter, Adelaide (Addie) Horton Olsen Williams (1974), who died while saving the life of her daughter Hope; and her son Michael (Mickey), who passed away on January 8th, 2010. (Michael was also known as Marty Hanson when he suffered from amnesia.) Also, her great-grandsons Beauregard Isaac Theo (Zack) Brady (who was killed in a hit-and-run accident) and his cousin, Robert Anderson Jr.

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Mrs. Horton is survived by two sons, Dr. Tom (Tommy) Horton Jr. (who was also known as Dr. Mark Brooks when he, too, suffered from amnesia); Dr. William Horton, who resides in Africa; and one daughter, Marie Horton Merritt Curtis, who was once a nun and is now a lab technician. She is further survived by ten grandchildren ...

Tune in tomorrow for more drama. Until then, this is William Schenley, and these are the Days of Our Lives.

Episode 2

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives."

... Mrs. Horton is survived by two sons, Dr. Tom (Tommy) Horton Jr. (who was also known as Dr. Mark Brooks when he, too, suffered from amnesia); Dr. William Horton, who resides in Africa; and one daughter, Marie Horton Merritt Curtis, who was once a nun and is now a lab technician. She is further survived by ten grandchildren: Dr. Sandy Horton, who was once accused in the murder of Evan Whyland; Steve Olson, who sold fake antiques and skimmed tips from the tables at Doug's Coffee House; Julie Olson Horton Williams; Hope Williams Brady, who was also known as the evil Princess Gina Von Amberg (but only while under Stefano's mind control) ...

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... Melissa Anderson Horton Jannings, an accused drug kingpin who was arrested for trying to kill Kayla Brady and who killed Emilio Ramirez in self-defense; and Sarah Horton, who is almost normal. (Both Melissa and Sarah were adopted.) Also, Dr. Michael Horton Jr., who was once thought to be a gun-runner in Israel; Jennifer Horton Deveraux, who left for London after an extremely complex life; Lucas Roberts Horton, who kidnapped Will, tried to kill E.J., murdered Franco Kelly, tried to kill Sami ... and drove while under the influence; and Jessica Blake Fallon who, while suffering from amnesia, became Angelica and terrorized her mother, Marie Horton.

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She is further survived by thirteen great-grandchildren: Spencer Olson; David Banning, who is also known as David Martin Jr. and Bradley Banning, and was convicted for shooting Dr. Alex Marshall, but escaped from going to prison when the transport bus crashed and he was able to sneak away; Scott Banning; Claire Kiriakis Brady; Shawn-Douglas Brady, who was shipped off to boarding school when the evil Gina was inhabiting his mother's body; Ciara Brady, who was born in a warehouse; Jeremy Jacobs Horton, who is on the lam for smuggling illegal cloth; Nick Fallon, who is, at the moment, unable to attend the funeral because he is presently serving an 18-month prison sentence for administering unauthorized pills; Nathan Horton; Alice Caroline Roberts Horton; Abigail Deveraux; Jack Deveraux Jr., who is six years old and, like most of his cousins, does not have a clue as to who his real parents are; and Will Roberts, who just might be the most screwed-up of all the Hortons. He became an underage drinker when both of his parents were accused of being the Salem Stalker, and then he found his mother in bed with one of her ex-husbands on her new wedding day.

Tune in tomorrow for more drama. Until then, this is William Schenley, and these are the Days of Our Lives.

Episode 3

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives."

... Jack Deveraux Jr., who is six years old and, like most of his cousins, does not have a clue as to who his real parents are; and Will Roberts, who just might be the most screwed-up of all the Hortons. He became an underage drinker when both of his parents were accused of being the Salem Stalker, and then he found his mother in bed with one of her ex-husbands on her new wedding day.

In addition to being a housewife, Mrs. Horton was the past owner of Alice's Restaurant, and she was the co-founder, along with her late husband, of Salem's Horton Center, a shelter for runaway teenagers and/or families in need. She had, at one time, been the COO at Salem General Hospital, and had been a board member at SGH. She also had been on the board of directors at Countess Wilhelmina, the cosmetics company.

However, Alice Horton was not without scandal. In 1993, Mrs. Horton successfully aided former police commissioner Roman Brady in his escape from jail, where he was awaiting trial for the Salem Slasher murders. Mrs. Horton, who was well-known for the donuts she baked, drugged a few dozen and brought them to the county lockup for the guards.

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For several months Alice, herself, was presumed dead and a victim of the notorious Salem Slasher. Like most of the others who fell prey to the Slasher, she was being held captive on Melaswen Island, or, as the captors liked to call it, New Salem Island.

Since the death of her husband, Alice Horton had kept herself busy running the Horton Center, where her grandson Lucas was court-ordered to reside because he is an alcoholic. Sadly, Lucas moved out and Hope moved in — that is, until she became evil Gina.

Tune in tomorrow for more drama. Until then, this is William Schenley, and these are the Days of Our Lives.

Episode 4

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives."

... Since the death of her husband, Alice Horton had kept herself busy running the Horton Center, where her grandson Lucas was court-ordered to reside because he is an alcoholic. Sadly, Lucas moved out and Hope moved in — that is, until she became evil Gina.

In 2003 and 2004, the Salem Slasher killed Mrs. Horton's daughter-in-law, Maggie, and her grandsons-in-law, Jack and Doug, as well as several other close friends. Many of the town's well-known citizens had become suspects in these macabre killings, including her grandson Lucas. Mrs. Horton was correct in not suspecting Lucas. The real killer was her close friend Marlena Evans Craig Brady Bradford Black Black North Black, who was a one-time psychiatrist at Salem University Hospital and at Bayview Sanitarium, and who had been presumed dead in 1987, 1991, 1995 and twice in 2004, and who was once possessed by the devil.

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Alice Horton would become Marlena's last victim when she caused Alice to choke on one of her famous donuts. It was later discovered that the Slasher was not Marlena but her evil twin sister, Samantha.

On the other hand, Lucas did kill Franco Kelly, a ne'er-do-well, who was about to kill Kate Roberts, who is Lucas' mother. Sami Brady, with whom Lucas fathered a child, was on death row for the murder, with the drugs injected, when Lucas finally broke down the door of the death chamber and saved her.

Tune in tomorrow for more drama. Until then, this is William Schenley, and these are the Days of Our Lives.

Episode 5

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives."

... On the other hand, Lucas did kill Franco Kelly, a ne'er-do-well, who was about to kill Kate Roberts, who is Lucas' mother. Sami Brady, with whom Lucas fathered a child, was on death row for the murder, with the drugs injected, when Lucas finally broke down the door of the death chamber and saved her.

In summary, Alice Horton was the mother of five children, three sons and two daughters. Among those five offspring there were twelve marriages, twenty-one affairs, one incestuous relationship, one son raped his brother's wife, one son tried to kill another son and then tried to kill two nurses while he was at the crazy farm. And one son was convicted of involuntary manslaughter.

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Two of her sons suffered from amnesia; one daughter was in a life-ending coma from the effects of leukemia, only to stagger out of the coma and into pregnancy ... at least long enough to have a baby before dying. Two of her children also returned from the dead ... and one ran off to Africa to become a nun. Three of her children's spouses had to be committed to sanitariums.

Ozzie and fucking Harriet, these people are not.

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Moldy Oldies and Dead People Server, morbid degenerates that they are, saw something in Frances Reid that the rest of us didn't ... mainly, her death. They get two points for the hit and an additional three points for their second hit together this year, and for being the only two deadpoolers to know that ... the days of Frances' life would be ending this year. Total: 5.

— Bill Schenley

On the day of his death, Nancy Pelosi referred to John Murtha as a "great patriot." Maybe he was, but he was not only one of the most corrupt members of Congress, he was one of the most corrupt members of Congress for the longest period of time. Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) listed him as one of the 20 most corrupt members of Congress; Esquire Magazine says he's one of the 10 most corrupt, and The Wall Street Journal credits him as "one of Congress's most unapologetic earmarkers."

However, on November 18th, 2005, Congressman Murtha became the darling of the Democratic party; the lovable anti-war-liberal; the face of the new-left. All of his past sins were instantly forgiven after the seedy Congresswoman from Ohio, Jean Schmidt, stood on the House floor and said:

"He [Daniel Bubp] also asked me to give Congressman Murtha a message: that cowards cut and run, Marines never do."

In that moment, Schmidt, who reminds me of an armed and dangerous Margaret Hamilton, washed the stink from 36 years of kick-back schemes, bribery, extortion, political thuggery and gangsterism from Murtha's shoulders. He became cleaner than that proverbial whistle after the Johnstown flood.

See, John Murtha was the first Vietnam veteran elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. He was a Marine during the Korean War, and when his active duty was finished, he remained in the Marine Reserves until 1966, when he volunteered for combat in Vietnam. In the service of his country he received the Purple Heart with the first device and he was awarded the Bronze Star with the Valor device. He was also awarded the Vietnamese Cross of Gallantry. As much of a low-life as John Murtha was, calling him a coward was a really bad idea no matter which side of the aisle you may sit on.

No way was Busgal going to cut 'n' run from the 77-year-old Congressman's death. She was earmarked for eight points ... and she will also be kickbacked another five for the solo. Total: 13.

— Bill Schenley

I set out today to write a snarky little piece on Doug Fieger and The Knack, because I didn't know the players or the music. I'm a little old to have been there at the beginning and, anyway, I've always been square. So I was going to write some clever shit like it took 15 minutes to write the song and that's their Warholian fame. I was going to write about how no one sets out to be a one- or even a two-hit wonder and what does this mean yadda yadda, so I thought I'd listen to some of the songs and watch the videos to get started, and what I discovered was ... they were great! Jewish boy dirty music and lyrics! Fantastic. Yeah, they were supposed to be Beatles Lite, I guess, but they were a lot more fun. Remember fun? Every clip, every interview, every review mentioned the word fun. Also, Fieger was a ham. Loved the camera, and the camera returned the favor. They were a great live band and they had a smart producer who captured that on vinyl. And I think it holds up. Apparently, the rock intelligentsia at the time sneered, but what was wrong with a fun power-pop band?

Here's my high school buddy, one of those rock intelligentsia, on Doug Fieger.

Last laugh department: Fieger never had to work again after My Sharona.

Roxanne Wiggs has quite the knack for deadpool playing. She alone had Doug Fieger, and he was only 57. (Guess why I say "only.") So she gets 14 points for the hit and 5 for the solo. Total: 19. Give it up for Roxanne Wiggs!

— Amelia

Never been on a horse, never been to the track, and yet, there was a period in my life when I inhaled the mysteries of Dick Francis. Well, Dick Francis had been on a horse, spent his life at the track, and God knows he had never been mistaken for a man with a literary bent. But after many years of riding the royal horsies, one day the Queen Mother sacked him ("What shall I do for a living?" "Something always turns up."). It did. 40 books, one a year, nothing fancy, but all thrilling, each with an exciting race, a sadistic crime, a crooked stable boy or aristocrat or trainer or tout. (The hero is usually the jockey, and that's the way it should be.) It sounds like a formula and it was. But people like a formula and they were delighted that a new one appeared at the finish line of every year. There are those who say his wife did the real work, the writing, as she was better educated, but it's not like his books were filled with Greek and Latin. He won all the mystery writing awards, broke all sales records, and never looked back. Well, maybe a little. He called the ten years he rode horses for a living the best years of his life.

Exuma — a perfect horse name — gets the solo with Dick Francis, who wasn't going to turn 90 until October. So he gets 5 for the hit and 5 for the solo for a total of 10, giving him a fetlock on 6th place. Put your hooves together for Exuma!

— Amelia

Kathryn Grayson was an operatic film star. Pardon me, but this is a horrible sobriquet. It means that even though she was a contemporary of Merman- and Martin-like belters, her operatic training rendered her MacDonald- and Dunne-like, which was very old-fashioned. Let's face it, we could put up with the Pinza- and Lanza-like men because they had a certain sex appeal. She had a naive sweetheart appeal which didn't really play well with the Kelly- and Sinatra-like leading men. Cyd Charisse, she was not. So she had a voice that was too small for the actual opera and maybe a little too big for the silver-screen opera. I imagine all the husbands and boyfriends of the '40s and '50s being shlepped to the movie palaces for all those MGM musicals, which must have been like water torture for them. At least you could smoke in the theater in those days.

On the other hand, here she is singing "Time After Time," and it ain't half bad.

Constant Irritant -- a completely apt name in this case -- gets the operatic solo here. That's 5 points for the hit and 5 for the ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Total: 10.

— Amelia

Impressed by Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade," fifteen-year-old John Babcock claimed he was 18 and enlisted in the 146th Battalion of the Canadian Expeditionary Force. A few months later, officials discovered he was too young for combat and placed him the Young Soldiers Battalion. In 1917 he sailed for England to train with the 26th Reserves, but the war ended before young John Babcock would ever hear a shot fired in anger.

John Babcock spent almost a century shrugging off his participation in World War I ... until he was the last surviving Canadian from The Great War. Moving to the United States in 1921, he became a citizen in 1946 after serving in the U.S. Army during World War II.

Celebrated in 2007, when he became Canada's lone survivor from WWI, he received phone calls from Queen Elizabeth II, Prime Minister Stephen Harper and several other people who Canada seems to think are important. For lying about his age when he was 15 ... Canada gave him a necktie with some opium buds as a pattern. The only thing Babcock wanted ... was to be a Canuck again. Seems reasonable. I doubt the U.S. would have even ponied up the tie.

In honor of 109-year-old (unless he was lyin' again) John Henry Foster Babcock dying, a Canuck and a Yank had the old soldier on their lists this year. Allen Kirshner and Bill Schenley each get 1 point for the hit, and they each get an additional three for being the only two to remember that old soldiers don't fade away, they just die. Total: 4.

— Bill Schenley

So we had one down day in three weeks and some people went on a little safari, and a couple of adventurous types went shark-diving, and others sat by the pool or went shopping or had a massage.

I went all by myself to the theater.

I went to a matinee on an absolutely gorgeous day in Cape Town. True, it was a new Athol Fugard play with Athol Fugard in attendance so it was quite special. He and the two actors sat with us, the audience, at the end to talk about their passion for acting and writing and directing.

It is for people like me that people like Lionel Jeffries keep at it for the whole of their lives. As a character actor, he appeared in repertory on the London stage, and made a half dozen films a year, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang his most well-known. As a writer and as a director, he brought the Railway Children to life. He found television to be a happy medium playing priests, dads and grandads. He was an all-round crowd pleaser for many, many years, going back to the stage for a matinee or two at the end of his career. For people like me who say the hell with sunny days. We need art.

Lionel Jeffries has died at 83, and Philip gets five for the hit and five for the solo. That would be a total of 10. And a great big apology to Philip for the delay. It's a marvelous hit. He deserved better.

— Amelia

I get to write Alexander Haig's deadpool update, And you wanna' know why? Because I'M FUCKING IN CHARGE HERE! ME! ME! I'M IN CHARGE! I'M THE GO-TO-GUY AROUND HERE! You have to die this year? YOU BETTER FUCKING CHECK WITH ME FIRST! WHY? Because I'm in control. I run stuff here. The chain of command around here ... is ... ME!

Okay, now that all of you understand that I'M FUCKING IN CHARGE HERE ... All right, where were we ... Oh, yeah, A-Hag ... Al Haig was a great American; all you had to do to know that ... was to ask him. To hear Al Haig tell it, it was he who put the finishing touches on the Declaration of Independence. And it was Haig who snatched Andy Jackson by the ear and dragged his sorry, scrawny ass down to New Orleans.

Abe Lincoln woulda been proud to know that A-Hag was the one who chased Booth all the way to Garrett's barn, at least according to Al. Many a time Haig would enthrall listeners with stories about that time on Bunker Hill, San Juan Hill, Pork Chop Hill, the Hills of Kilimanjaro and The House on Haunted Hill. Yes, Al Haig was there for all us 'Mericans. Well, maybe not all of us, but he was there for the rich, the white, the Republican ... All ya had to do was ask Al Haig, and he would let you know straight-up, if he'da been the one in charge ...

And you know why I get to say this shit about Al Haig? That's right ... Because I'm in charge. Still, you have to give it up to A-Hag for realizing Ronald Reagan was a half-a-fucking-retard before Reagan's term ended, and for always knowing that George H.W. Bush was not much more than floating sewage.

If nothing else, Another Lurker and Jenstrikesagain are in charge of the five points they each get for their public service duo ... and another three in bonus. Total: 8.

— Bill Schenley