If you accidentally swallow poison this week and find yourself short on ipecac, just google "Abdullah obituary." I'm talking King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, of course, the latest of the seemingly never-ending line of decrepit old assmunches to die at the helm of that benighted land. His obituaries laud him as "shrewd" (The New York Times), "wily" (The Washington Post), a "reformer" (The Globe and Mail), and even a "liberal" (The Telegraph, and fuck you very much); in reality, Abdullah was reactionary, ignorant, incompetent, and more over his head than Captain Smith of the RMS Titanic.

Oh, he was a champion at crafting the image of a strong king, a shepherd of his people, and a solid U.S. ally. His actions, on the other hand—sentencing a blogger to be whipped for the crime of telling the truth, keeping women subjugated and poor, doing nothing substantial to give underemployed young men any sense of hope for the future (and then professing shock when they became radicalized)—said otherwise. He was just another punitive, self-satisfied time-server who confused what was best for him with what was best for the country.

Worst of all, he chose to leave his country in the hands of his half-brother Salman, the last eligible and most conservative member of that always-fun group, the Sudairi Seven. The Kingdom hotly denies that Salman suffers from Alzheimer's disease. Me, I think a king who thinks it's 1955 because he's unwell is a damn sight better than a king who thinks it's 1955 because he's a narrow-minded reactionary jackhole.

(Incidentally, what I just wrote would get me ten years in prison and a hundred lashes had I been born a Saudi subject—but then again, as a woman born in the '60s, I likely wouldn't have been taught how to read and write.)

Good riddance to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, who died on January 23. His birthdate was a state secret, but he was apparently in his early 90s, which is good enough for two points in the AO Deadpool for Allen Kirshner, Another Lurker, Charlene, and Go the Distance.

--Charlene